Today is my due date.
The date our 7th child was due to be born. I envisioned this day to be much different than it is. Seven months ago, we were making plans for our growing family: we bought a bigger car, purchased a toddler bed for my daughter so her crib could be passed down to her brother and his crib would be used for the new baby, discussed baby names, and made renovation plans for our home to help manage our space better. I was taking weekly bump pics, as my belly was stretching and expanding and our little one was growing. With excitement and joy, we were ready for this little blessing. " 'For my thoughts are not your thoughts, nor are your ways my ways,' says the Lord. 'For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts.' " ~Isaiah 55:8-9 NKJV But it wasn't to be. God had different plans. I don't understand them, but I trust God. Hope in Him is all I can really hold onto. Especially now, when I should be snuggling my newborn, nursing my baby, enjoying that newborn smell, and praying over the new life I've been given. Instead, there's an empty crib and my broken heart, yet still I am grateful for that tiny life I was blessed with, even if only for a moment. This is "Pregnancy and Infant Loss" awareness month. I'm mourning my second loss to miscarriage along with so many other mamas who have lost their children. If you are reading this, and you have a little one awaiting you in heaven, I am praying for you today. I am praying for God to hold you tighter, bless you more, strengthen your soul, and blanket you with His peace as you patiently wait for the reunion you will have with your child someday. It's hard to be in this position. Most of the time it's a bit lonely. Every day I think of my baby, but does anyone else? Most people don't understand my grief, but it's very real. I have a unique perspective, I guess. I am the mother of six healthy happy children, ages ranging from 1 to 18. I am blessed and I know that. I am so thankful for my children. Every. One. Of. Them. In fact, what I have learned from secondary infertility and two miscarriages, is how grateful I truly am for my beautiful, healthy, happy children. It's because of them that I know what I am truly missing with their siblings, who are now in heaven. So.....today I am taking a moment to honor my little one and the memory of this child that I will always carry with me. Baby Gracen, I think of you every single day. Though you left this earth months ago, I have counted down each week of what should have been your pregnancy. As each day, week, month has passed, I've thought of what I've been missing. I missed the ultrasound that would reveal if we were having another girl or another boy. I missed the first weeks of easy movement that I know would have turned into somersaults quickly. I missed the jolts to my ribs, the horrible heartburn, the cravings and even the aches and pains and the pregnant waddle. I missed the contractions, the intense labor, and the joy of birthing you into this world: happy, healthy and crying. Instead I birthed you too early, with pain unimaginable, stillness and deafening silence. I miss not being able to hold you now. Not nursing you, kissing you, snuggling you, singing over you, telling you how much I love you and how happy I am to be your Mommy. I am, Sweet Baby, I am so thankful I am your Mommy. I miss all the things, I know from your siblings, that I won't get to experience with you: watching you grow, learn to sit-up, call me Mama. I won't help you take your first step, or teach you how to feed yourself, or how to sing. I won't get to read all the favorite books I've shared with your siblings: "Goodnight Gorilla", "Ferdinand", or "Love you Forever". I won't teach you to read, ride a bike, or how to be silly. I wont get to add you to our school table, and watch you as you learn to socialize and meet new friends. I won't get to watch you play with your siblings, hug your Daddy or see your personality come alive. I won't know what traits of mine that you picked up, or those your Daddy passed on. I won't get to enjoy your friendship as you get older and move into your teen years. I won't get to teach you to cook or drive a car. I want get to stay up late with you for family movies or just to talk about all that's on your heart. I won't get to take a picture of you with your brand new driver's license, or pray over you the whole time I'm watching you drive away for the first time. I won't get to pass on all the motherly advice I've been privileged to share with your siblings. I won't get to tell you how proud I am of you when you walk across the stage as a graduate and begin your journey into adulthood. I won't get a front row seat of your life here on earth, Gracen, but I promise I will think of you every day, love you for the rest of my life, and I will snuggle you like crazy when I meet you in Heaven. Mommy loves you, Baby, forever and always! "I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always, as long as I'm living, my baby you'll be." From "Love you Forever" by Robert Munsch Today is hard, yes, and I know many hard days will be ahead. But I will always be thankful, God chose to reward me, with the gift of this sweet precious child, even if only for a moment in time. "Children are a gift from the Lord; they are a reward from Him." ~ Psalm 127:3 If you took the time to read this today, thank you. If you are a grieving mother, I'm praying for you. Strengthened only by the love of God, Andrea
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For we are God's masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago. " AuthorHi! I'm Andrea, wife to my handsome hubby, homeschooling mama to my 7 amazing blessings, and daughter of the King of kings. I am so glad you have stopped by my little piece of the web. My prayer is that the Lord will use this blog to encourage you in your personal, daily walk with Christ. Archives
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